February, 2008

Never a fan of reality TV, I have found a use for Hell’s Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares on Fox 29, where renowned chef Gordon Ramsay criticizes and cusses his way through insufferably lazy cooks and arrogant sous chefs who think they are hot stuff. Chef Ramsay gets in their faces. He insults them and shouts at incompetent managers and despotic owners of appallingly run restaurants. Often, by the end of a show, he has forced these businesses to change their spots and they often go on to become both contemporary and successful. He mentors them on steroids! Besides being highly entertaining, he gets results.

It occurred to me to use this model for writing a review about a Bucks County gallery where I storm in and demand to see real art. I would then make a speech about how they should serve the greater cultural good and also educate the public. Not so easy, Mr. Rosenthal. You are no Chef Ramsay are you? In order to turn around a paltry little art business you have to face up to some nasty facts similar to those in a lousy eatery, or worse. In many case the business plan should be scrapped and begun again from scratch: “Don’t peddle this amateur crap in nice frames made for clueless owners of McMansions!”

Suffice it to say, the piece didn’t go over very well. No amount of editing was going to remove my animosity. I tried to suggest that one particular gallery stop showing the ghastly excuse for art they show and pick up on some young artists from Philly. Furthermore I suggested, “Never stick paintings in the window like a boutique so they fade in the sunlight.” (When will people learn that art cannot compete with nature or man-made spectacle?)

The review was rejected, but the more I thought about it, I was on to something. Chef Ramsay is right: never be polite and always swear like a stevedore. People will respect you more. How about, “Fucking hell, this is fucking rubbish. I wouldn’t serve this art to my dog.” Why can’t a heavy handed critic, comme moi, do the same to a gallery director who serves up schlock posing as real painting (which lets the public go on assuming it is viewing real art and that everything is subjective in the mind of the viewer)? It doesn’t serve the community or art or even make any business sense whatever. (Real art can fetch real collectors prices, fools!) How about, “You wouldn’t know a fucking painting from a fucking street sign,” or, “I’ve seen better fucking art in fucking coffee bars, mate... Fuck’s sake.” (No offense to the coffee bars. I’ve shown my best work in amiable and often high class coffee bars.)

The kicker is this: What happens once Chef Ramsay finally gets a restaurant to improve their fare and an insipid patron (after eating a pretty decent meal for a change) complains unduly? He insults them and kicks them out. That is absolutely righteous! Imagine raising the tone in this manner in the art world where the Emperor never has any clothes and neither does his audience.

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